'Luxury Condos for Sale in Gaza' and 'Police Investigate Substacker Who Called for Genocide Against Public Farters' - short stories inspired by the news!

"You're worse than the Babylon Bee!" ....... Yeah, I know.

Okay, folks. Here’s another round of short stories inspired by news stories (see the first round here). The format is: I give you the headline of the short story, under that I give you the real story and link in italics, and then I give you the short story. I was in the mood to write journalistically this time. Here goes:

Luxury Condos for Sale in Gaza

70% of Gaza homes were destroyed by the Israeli military, according to the Wall Street Journal. So I wondered what will happen to that land once it’s totally cleared:

A slate of luxury condos are planned to be built in New Israel, the area formerly known as Gaza, after the recently renovated land was sold to the highest bidder.

Developers for Peace, a brand-new real estate firm based in Brooklyn, outbid several high-rolling firms like Blackstone and the Carlyle Group, to win the rights of the highly sought after land, which boasts several miles of beautiful Mediterranean coastline. 

“We’ve had our eyes on this land for a long time - since around October 6,” said Ben Rose, the CEO of Developers for Peace, as he kicked aside the corpse of a dead Palestinian child. “There have been a few hurdles that prevented us from acquiring it earlier, but those hurdles are gone.”

Over the past several months, the Israeli military destroyed 70% of Gazan homes. Once that rubble is cleared and the remaining homes are destroyed, construction will begin.

“We already have a long list of people who want to buy one of our condos and can’t wait to settle in,” Rose said. 

Biden’s Positive New Message for 2024: RACISM! FEAR!

The New York Times reported that Biden’s first two speeches will center on the Jan. 6 riot and one of the most shocking racist murders in US. history. Here’s what happened:

Joe Biden’s speechwriter, Vinay Reddy, was worried that he didn’t have much to write about since the country is doing so great.

“Nobody wants to hear somebody brag about how good he’s doing, but that’s really all the president can say since everything is great,” Reddy said. 

But with a presidential election coming up, Reddy had to come up with a message that would resonate with voters and inspire them to get to the polls. 

He wanted it to be fresh, novel, and moving. And that’s when he had an aha moment.

“Fear and racism!” Reddy said with a big smile. “We really haven’t tapped into that reservoir enough over the past seven years. But that’s really what we have to talk about. Fear and racism. If you don’t vote for Biden, an 80-year-old white man, you’re a racist who is promoting more racism. And if he doesn’t win, everyone will be enslaved by chubby white men in red hats from Louisiana.”

“It’s a beautiful message,” Reddy added. 

Biden, sitting next to Reddy half-asleep with drops of drool forming at the corner of his lip, nodded.

“Good message,” he said, probably. 

Reddy shared a portion of the new speech, which Biden will give at his first official campaign stop on January 6:

FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM. VOTE BIDEN OR YOU’RE RACIST. FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM. Don’t worry about the economy. FEAR. RACISM. VOTE BIDEN OR YOU’RE A NAZI. FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM.  Don’t worry about billions being spent on wars. FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM. VOTE BIDEN OR YOU LOVE PUTIN. FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM. Don’t worry about healthcare. FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM.FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM.FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM.FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM.FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM.FEAR. RACISM. FEAR. RACISM.

FBI Investigates Genocide Committed on Substack

This is inspired by that story about police investigating a “gang rape” in the Metaverse. It’s just a reminder of how absurd policing on the internet is getting, which reminded me of recent events here on Substack…

The Federal Bureau of Investigation arrested a Substack writer who called for a genocide against people who fart in public.

Ray Downs, writer of the little-known and hardly read, Toxic Lit, caught the FBI’s attention when he wrote: “People who smile arrogantly when they fart in public should be removed from society,” in a recent blog.

The statement riled a boring group of freelance journalists desperate to increase their subscription numbers known as Substackers Against Nazis.

In a statement, the group said: “Downs’ statement is an example of the incessant hate speech that has infested this site that we write on everyday and rely on for money because The Atlantic only pays $250 for a freelance article, so we’re riding this grift until the wheels fall off. Anyways, we hope Downs is censored and arrested to send a message to all those who thrive off hate speech.”

The FBI refused to comment on the case directly, citing ongoing investigation protocols. However, agency spokesperson Cathy L. Milhoan said the case is representative of a larger problem online.

“Our agency is here to protect Americans and their rights, including free speech rights protected under the First Amendment,” Milhoan said. “But in order to protect free speech, people who say the wrong thing should be removed from society.”

Through his attorney, Rupert J. Roughshod, Downs released a statement:

“I don’t really have an attorney. I just thought Rupert J. Roughshod would be a cool name for an attorney,” Downs said.