Henry Kissinger Snorting Coke, British Porn Laws, and Israel: 3 Flash Fiction Stories Inspired By the Latest Headlines
Something a little different
I’m happily not a journalist anymore, but I’m sadly still a bit of a news junkie. So here’s me trying to get something constructive out of spending too much time thinking about bad things I can’t do anything about. Below are three really short stories inspired by current events.
Henry Kissinger Snorting Coke at Studio 54
The New York Times published a story about how Henry Kissinger was a prolific socialite, regularly rubbing elbows with artistic and political elites. He even hung out at Studio 54. Here’s how I imagined that went down:
October 7, 1977: Henry Kissinger, the former Secretary of State, was in a bathroom stall at Studio 54, snorting a bump of pure cocaine off the beautiful breast of a Swedish model named Elsa Moller.
Kissinger had just met Elsa, and would never see her again after this, but he would forever remember her name and the quality of cocaine because he was a people person and had a great social memory. He would also remember Elsa because of a thought that occurred to him as he sniffed cocaine off a perfect C cup, which was that Sweden’s permissive society would make the population more malleable, and therefore a useful tool that could be used by the US in its eventual war with Russia.
“Great coke. Boobs of an Elsa. Sweden will be crucial in creating a united front against the Soviets,” he muttered to himself on his way out of the bathroom, refusing to tip the bathroom attendant.
U.K. to Require Facial Recognition to Verify Age of Porn Viewers
This story made me laugh out loud. The UK wants people to upload photos of themselves to watch porn, so that AI can determine whether or not they look old enough (18+). Here’s what could happen:
Neal, 16, couldn’t wait to get home to whack off to the latest Violet Myers video. His favorite buxom porn star had just released Violet Night, Holey Night, her new Christmas porn special. He had to get home quick because his mum got home early on Thursdays, and he wanted to take his time with this new video to really enjoy it. But once he logged onto the site, he was smacked with a red box demanding a swath of personal info. The lustful lad dutifully put in his info - name, address, email, and fake date of birth.
“They all have this already, anyway,” he told himself.
And when it came time to enter a photo, he took one of himself and put it in.
“So what? We all have a wank now and again, including the government,” he told himself.
But the concupiscent kid’s desperate chase for lustful release came to a solid stop when the UK government’s porn patrol told him he doesn’t look 18.
“The photo you have submitted does not appear to be of age to view pornography, according to UK statue 69337.304.”
Neal threw an empty glass at the wall and shouted the English language’s most lacerating curse words until his throat burned. He thought about setting up a VPN, but that would take time he didn’t have. Mum was due back in 15 minutes. So he did what he had to do: He ran into his parent’s bedroom, found a photo of his father, and uploaded the photo into the UK porno patrol website.
He was approved and proceeded to watch Violet Night, Holey Night, to aggressively massage his member. As he accomplished his goal, mum came home. He didn’t hear her, but she heard him - gasping and panting like a puppy in a hot car. She ran up the stairs to save her distressed son, and saw him in his room, his back turned toward her, powerfully stroking himself with a framed photo of his father in front of him.
Biden Administration Trying to Get Israel to Do a Ceasefire
That ceasefire talk didn’t last long, did it? Here’s probably why:
Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was 36 minutes late for the Zoom call with U.S. Secretary of State Anthony Blinken, who passed the time by staring at his background and wondering how he could make it look more powerful, but not in an aggressive way. “Naturally endowed with power” was a term that swam around in his head quite a bit.
When Netanyahu finally got on the Zoom call, he said: “Anthony, I don’t have a lot of time. What?”
Blinked emitted a short and subtle nervous laugh before saying: “This war isn’t very popular on our side of the pond. Any chance you can do a ceasefire, just for a week or two?”
“No,” Netanyahu said.
“”Oh, okay,” Blinken said. “Just thought I’d ask. By the way we are sending $10 billion in aid in a few weeks. We’re just working on messaging to limit the public backlash.”
“That’s it?” Netanyahu said.
Blinken’s heart sank like that of a boy playing football who fumbles a catch as his papa watches, embarrassed.
“For now, but more is coming, Don’t worry,” Blinken said.
“Good,” Netanyahu said and abruptly ended the call.
Blinken spent another three minutes mentally redecorating his Zoom background before typing up a memo to his secretary about his lunch order.