I'd Like to Speak with the Algorithm, Please

My Attempt to Complain to the Algorithm

I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable. Why on earth would you think I want to read an article written by somebody who has been refreshing the front page of MSNBC.com every three minutes hoping Trump was arrested for having sex with Putin in urine-soaked KKK robes?

You have all my data, know everything I read online, everything I click on, and this is what you think I want to see? I’ve never been so offended in my life.

Look, I know I don’t really read all those studies I click on, and sure, I have 20 tabs open for lengthy articles that I’ll never read, either, but you know that I at least make an attempt at acquiring knowledge beyond the doom-scrolling midwit-level confirmation bias.

Why not show me something about the latest exhibit at the Louvre? Or maybe that one thing about how the body affects the brain that Huberman was talking about? Yeah, I know I clicked on that and didn’t read it, either, but I went to Huberman’s page on my own volition to see if he ever said anything about alcohol shrinking your penis (somebody told me he did but I didn’t see anything, so probably fake).

The point I’m trying to make is I’m a fairly intelligent and curious guy, so why push the corny, common denominator stuff on me? What have I done to deserve this disrespect?

Or are you trying to tell me that I really am just a midwit who is interested in the new Brittany memoir or the latest CNN “analysis” on white supremacy? Okay, I admit - I am a little interested in the Britany memoir. Not enough to buy it, of course, but I might read a review - a highbrow review, of course. Maybe in the New Yorker. Something that uses big words to describe Brittany’s troubles with Justin.

But I’m not into the political hack stuff. I know better. I know the major news media operate on an outrage machine model that profits of of pulling emotional triggers instead of providing information.

Oh, you think like reading stuff I know is stupid because it makes me feel smart and that I, like everybody else, actually gets a cheap dopamine rush of the anger I feel when taking in this outrage content?

Damn. I guess you’re kinda right.

But I’m trying to sell you that I try to be better. You can’t argue with that. You see my search and click history. Just yesterday, I googled Mencken and Nietzsche within the same hour. Why don’t you say I “might be interested” in something about those two guys. I read George Saunders’ Substack yesterday. Why don’t you ask me if I “might be interested” in a short story by Chekhov?

What do you mean you know I won’t read it? I will! At least a little bit, anyway! That counts.

Wait a second. What’s this? No. No, I won’t. I won’t click on that. Get that away from me! Please! I refuse to. I will not! Stop it now! Please! Oh god, help me! I don’t want to. I refuse to. I won’t, I swear I won’t…….

*clicks on link and watches seven straight CCTV idiots videos multiple times each