How White Saviors Saved the World from Literal Nazis

a satirical fairy tale about free speech

Once upon a time, a heroic group of superheroes known as the White Saviors saved the world from bad people nobody knew about until the White Saviors told everyone about them.

The bad people were called “literal nazis.” These weren’t the same Nazis that ruled Germany during the Second World War and killed millions of people. The Literal Nazis were far more dangerous.

These terrifying menaces numbered in the dozens and wrote blogs about things most people didn’t like. Very few people read these blogs or knew they existed. But the White Saviors made sure to tell everyone about the existence of the literal zazis, the names of their blogs, and even posted pictures of their blogs to ensure maximum exposure.

The White Saviors always spoke in unison with astoundingly similar voices, so that even when several of them spoke simultaneously, it sounded like one nasally, vocal fried voice:

“Although we are unable to describe the thing we want to ban, we find the label ‘literal nazis’ to be sufficient and anything we determine to be ‘literal nazis’ shall be banned,” the White Saviors said. “This is not an affront on any freedom of speech or thought. Rather, it means we, the White Saviors, are in charge of what is allowed and what’s not in order to protect marginalized people who need us to protect them. Trust us.”

But the White Saviors couldn’t save the world by themselves. To ensure everyone’s safety from mean blogs, the White Saviors needed CEOs of large corporations to fight for them. The White Saviors gave the CEOs a list of names of literal nazis and the CEOs banned those people from being able to use their companies. Disney wouldn’t allow them into their parks. Facebook wouldn’t allow them to have accounts. McDonald’s wouldn’t poison them with their preservative and chemical-filled food.

But most importantly, Substack took away their blogs.

“These are private businesses and literal nazis don’t have a right to use them,” the White Saviors said. “They still have their little free speech. The government’s not banning them. Only private businesses are, which is the business’s right.”

Because there was never any clear definition of what a “literal nazi” was, the list of literal nazis got longer and longer. Soon, anybody who disagreed with the White Saviors got put on the list, and the only speech allowed on the internet was statements of adoration for Democratic Party politicians and official Current Things like Ukraine and drag queen story hours.

“Nobody has the right to a platform,” the White Saviors said.

However, the large corporate CEOs decided to put further restrictions. Not only would speech be restricted to declarations of love for Democratic Party politicians and Current Things, but you also had to express support for large corporations in every post. 

“Joe Biden rocks and Northrop-Grumman deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for hiring a transwoman to design their latest line of city-destroying missiles,” said one of the people allowed to have a platform. 

The White Saviors and large corporate CEOs all nodded in approval at the only opinions they allowed to be expressed, feeling good about saving speech from the literal nazis.