7 Things I Learned During My First Month of Fatherhood

I'm not smarter, but I'm still alive.

 

1. Be Patient

The postpartum period can be tough for mothers, and the father’s job is to be patient at all costs.

Wife screaming in your face for no reason? Just be patient with her. 

She’s throwing things at your head? Patience.

She’s threatening to kill you? Just be patient, man. 

She’s grabbing a butcher’s knife? Patience, bro. 

She’s stabbing you in the stomach? Take a deep breath and be patient.

You’re dead? Maybe you should have been more patient. 

2. Put That Book Down, Dumb Ass - You’re Not Reading a Damn Thing

Oh, you try to read a book a week? Well, guess what, nerd? Them days are deader than a snail in a bucket of salt. As soon as you pick that book up, the baby is going to let out a scream so fierce, velociraptors will question their masculinity.

No, you’re not reading anything anymore. You want to read some history and learn about Mongolian Steppe culture during Genghis Khan’s reign? Not happening. Your brain has been colonized by a tiny person who shits in a diaper, and any information that isn’t about shitting in a diaper is useless.

You’re not allowed to think anymore. Every little wave in your brain now has to be about the baby. In fact, you’re thinking about that diaper right now? Do you need to change it? What if the baby has been in a dirty one for a long time? Will the rash be your fault? Are you a horrible person and a worse father? Your mind revolves around poop now. You even say the word “poop” like you’re five again. You try to say “shit” like  a man, but you feel guilty saying such words around the tiny person who doesn’t understand any words yet. 

This is how you “think” now. You’re done!

3. This Mess is Blessed

When you have a newborn, you’re allowed to have a messy house. 

Unfolded clothes and dirty dishes everywhere? Not your fault! It’s obviously the fault of the 12-pound being that can’t walk and sleeps 16 hours a day. Somehow, that tiny little person prevents you from doing any household chores and everyone is okay with that. 

The only caveat to this is your mother. You can’t let your mother see the house in disarray because she will forever judge your wife for not being able to simultaneously take care of a newborn baby, keep the house spotless, cook hearty meals, and look beautiful because that’s exactly what she did when she had kids. Trust her - that’s what she did despite having no money and no support and no home and no sky. And if you think she’s stretching the truth just a little tiny bit, you’re a monster undeserving of her love.

4. Don’t Ever Tell Anybody How You Really Feel

Nobody wants to hear a man say being a father of a newborn is difficult. They will ask you things like, “How are you? I know it can be hard, so if you need to talk…”

Don’t.

You’re allowed to say you’re a little tired, but it ends there. Nobody in the world, not even the most lonely, desperate for human interaction person, wants to hear you talk about how hard it is for you to do…what? You don’t really do anything. Your wife does everything (you have to half-smile and nod goofily to this one).

You can use a little more sleep lol but that’s it.

5. Babies Were Ugly Until They Looked Like You

You never understood the obsession some people have over babies. Yeah, sure, they’re kinda cute, sort of. But let’s be real - puppies are cuter. And either way, cuteness is annoyingly ubiquitous. Everywhere you look, there’s something cute. We’re overdosing on cute. Quite frankly, it needs to stop. 

Or so you thought until you saw a baby that looks like you.

Now you understand. Sure, all those other people were still wrong because those other babies were just globs, but this baby, your baby, who looks like you - with your big nose and lips and perpetual frown - is the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen (except for puppies).

6. A Baby’s Smile Can Quell an Erupting Volcano of Frustration

For several days now, you haven’t slept, you haven’t been able to do anything you enjoy, you haven’t even been able to sit in silence for a moment to reflect on how your brain is boiling in unrelenting noise of a baby’s dagger-like cries. Your heart is going to collapse under the pressure - you feel it sinking to your stomach. Why did everyone lie about how joyous this is? This is actually the worst thing a human can experience and, not only that, but it absolutely in every way sucks, too. Nothing good about it. You’re paying for torture and you’re an idiot for doing this and you suck at it and you’re not meant to do it and…..wait a second, was that a smile?

The baby smiled! For two, maybe three seconds, and let out a beautiful “glbdjgkjjhgg” sound. You’re enthralled. You’re rejuvenated. A total reset, like the last few days of your physical and mental well being obliterated never happened. As you bask in this sudden jolt of euphoria, the baby goes back to crying and making your life miserable again.

But you hold onto that smile. And now, you’ll spend the next four days making a bunch of goofy sounds and faces to make it come back.

7. It’s Not That Hard

It’s really not. But how the fuck did people do this 7 to 12 times back in the day? We really are a weaker generation.